By PETER S. FERRARA<br>Record Columnist
It seems like we are piling up disasters faster than McDonald’s is selling hamburgers: Two wars. Fires. Floods. Earthquakes. Tornadoes. Tsunamis. School Yard Massacres. The Economy On Life Support. Real Estate Bubble. Predators On The Internet. Bad Pistachio Nuts. Frozen Bank Credit. Mad Cow Disease. Death Of American Manufacturing. Drug Epidemic. Cancellation of Boston Legal. Multi-Trillion Dollar National Debt. Credit Card Disaster. Avian Flu Virus. Massive Unemployment. Overcrowded Prisons. Ponzi Schemes. Wall Street Bailout. Swine Flu. And that’s just what’s on the news this afternoon!
Whew!
Wouldn’t it be great if we could have seen some of this stuff coming before it hit? But all we have really learned is that the “experts”—whoever they are—are either asleep, incompetent, or on the take. The weather man is wrong 50% of the time. The economists don’t know how we got into the mess we’re in or how we’ll get out. Well-armed maniacs are running rampant. We’re going broke. Houses aren’t selling. You get the idea.
Having tried everything else, maybe what we need to do is throw away all the pundits and prognosticators in favor of something that has been just as good as the professionals for over fifty years. Of course, I am referring to the Magic 8-Ball. In case you just stepped out of a flying saucer, the Magic 8-Ball is a fortune telling and advice dispenser that has not gone out of style and remains as reliable as anything else.
It was the invention of one Abe Bookman of the Alabe Toy Company back in 1946, and if you have never held one in your hand I will describe how it works for you. The Magic 8-Ball is a bit larger than a pool ball. It is black and white and has a little window on it. Inside is some dark blue stuff and floating in that is (are you ready for a big word?) an icosahedral die. That’s an object with twenty equal sides.
You hold the ball in your hand with the window part facing down. Concentrate real hard and ask the ball a “yes or no” question. Then you turn the ball so the window faces up. The icosahedron (you know what that is) floats up and one side occupies the viewing window. And there’s your answer, faster than you can say “I want my money back.”
As a public service, here are the twenty possible answers contained in the classic Magic 8-Ball:
1) As I see it, yes
2) It is certain
3) It is decidedly so
4) Most likely
5) Outlook good
6) Signs point to yes
7) Without a doubt
8) Yes
9) Yes—definitely
10) You may rely on it
11) Reply hazy, try again
12) Ask again later
13) Better not tell you now
14) Cannot predict now
15) Concentrate and ask again
16) Don’t count on it
17) My reply is no
18) My sources say no
19) Outlook not so good
20) Very doubtful
This clever invention has resolutely stood the test of time. It has the advantages of being cheap to buy, easy to use, and possesses the same level of “experts.” So why don’t we just get rid of all the advice people and go with the Magic 8-Ball. Think of the lives, money, time, and prestige we could have saved by asking the Magic 8-Ball questions like: Are there weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? Is the stock market overvalued? Can I afford this mortgage? Is what I’m feeling love or lust? Does this outfit make me look fat? Will this car really get 50 miles to the gallon? Am I carrying Bigfoot’s love child?
You get the idea. And in this age of specialization, isn’t it nice to know that the wizards of marketing have created many variations on the Magic 8-Ball to suit each customer’s needs? Want endless positive feedback? Get the Affirmation Ball, with answers like “You look marvelous!” and “Your breath is so minty!”
Fed up with happy talk? The Sarcastic Ball is for you, with responses including “Do I look like I care?” and “Yeah, right!” There are specialty balls for fans of Star Wars, The Simpsons, Hannah Montana, Pirates of the Caribbean, and many, many more. My personal favorite of these is the SpongeBob AnswerPants Ball, featuring such “deep” thinking as “Sounds Fishy,” “You’ll Sea Soon,” and the upbeat “Crabsolutely!” If that doesn’t
“buoy” your spirits nothing will.
For those of you on an especially tight budget, who may have asked a borrowed Magic 8-Ball the question “Should I buy one?” and got “My sources say no” as an answer, here’s a money saving tip: Clip this column out and tape it on a wall. Ask your question and throw a dart at the answers printed above. Go with what you get until you can afford to buy your own Magic 8-Ball.
Just try not to hit the picture of me with your dart if at all possible. Hey, I’m trying to provide a public service here.
